Power means being authentic, knowing your worth, learning to speak up, and empowering others.
Everyone is on a journey to find personal power –
Some of us were encouraged to go on this journey, and others came from homes or situations where our
personal power was squashed or, at times, told we were too much and that we needed to behave or do as
we were told.
I grew up where others made decisions for me. I did not get to speak up.
I was told I needed to be quiet and only speak when spoken to; there was one way to do something: how
we say to do it. I grew up putting everyone else’s needs first and doing what I could for others.
I felt I had to earn love. Love was not understanding or unconditional love. I would be loved if I did
what I was told and pleased others.
I got married at 18 and did not know how to speak up or decide; I did what my ex-husband wanted. He
used this power against me as I did not know my own personal power.
When I was 20 and going through a divorce, I did not know how to make decisions and was afraid they
would be wrong if I did. I did not know how to speak up for myself either. I lacked confidence and self-
esteem.
I love people, and I want everyone to like me, and I want to do what is right and please others, but I just
realized I was not being my true authentic self. I worked hard to be what my parents, friends, or spouse
wanted me to be. Not that doing for others is bad, but I did it at the expense of not knowing myself.
My worth was based on what others thought of me or what I could do for others.
I did not even know who I was or was supposed to be and feared making wrong decisions. Waiting for
others to tell me how or who to be, I felt unloved when I did not meet those expectations. My job was to
take care of others and make others happy. See, I even became a Mom at eight, worrying about my
younger brother and his needs as a baby; I wanted more for him. This is another story in itself. But I am a
nurturer and love supporting and helping others; that is part of who I am, but not all I am. I am a
caregiver and nurturer by default. I love that about myself but not at the expense of not knowing who I
am. Being a nurturer and a caregiver means people can take advantage of you if you lack or do not know
your boundaries.
Setting boundaries and walking out of this situation takes time, and I am still working on growing more in
my personal power. But when you grow up where boundaries are not a priority, you do not understand
boundaries for others or yourself. When you grow up and feel you have to earn love and not understand
true unconditional love, it makes it hard.
I remember when I first learned to set boundaries, stop being treated like a door matt by people, and stop
being a people pleaser.
A significant event happened in my life; that is when I had to change
I lost my brother in the Pentagon on 911, and I was pregnant and had the baby in the middle of it all.
Shortly after that, we got sold a bad house with Stachybotrys mold.
During this I was married and had four kids at the time 13, 3, 2, and a newborn. The mom and wife in me
were worried about caring for everyone else. My brother had died and left his wife without citizenship
and two babies. My parents and siblings were struggling. I had many people to worry about and support
and care for. But remember, I grew up without boundaries, so boundaries were not a thing. We lost the
house and had nowhere to live,
- I was babysitting for my sisters so they could go to counseling,
- I was supporting my mom and going through pictures,
- I was worried about my own kids and keeping food on the table, and living in a hotel
- Dealing with an attorney regarding the bad house
- Helping my sister-in-law get citizenship and all she had to do
- I was worried about the stress on my husband and supporting him
I had so much on me that I could not handle more. I did not need anyone to rescue me. I just needed
people to stop throwing water at me. I know I could figure it out as I always did. That day a counselor
came to my door because of 911 and asked if I needed support. I said, no, I got this but guess what? I did
not. It was a lot, and I mean a lot. I had not even given myself time to grieve; I was in survival mode and
doing everything I had to do for everyone else. I did not even know how I felt. I had been in another
crazy cycle like this before but had too much this time. You know we all have breaking points, and again
I did not know anything else but this cycle.
I lost my best friend Jan. 2002 and my brother on 9/11, two of my great supporters. When did I worry
about myself and my feeling and what I needed? Now let me be honest I am a nurturer. I love being a
mom and wife and supporting and helping others. That is my most comfortable spot. That is who I am.
After sitting down and talking to her for a while, I decided to say yes; I need counseling and accept the
support and help for myself and my family. See, my oldest, a teenager, and I got into it earlier that week.
I told him,“ I am two days from having a nervous breakdown, and his response was, “That’s what you
keep saying.” I pointed my finger in his face and said, “Wait until I am only one day.” That was not one
of my most proud Mom moments. After doing that to my child, I knew I needed support. To realize you
are not showing up and being who you want to be is power. Understanding it is ok not to be ok, but
staying there is not ok; this is power.
Asking for help and getting help is hard, but do you realize that is really power? It is the power to know
when you can not do it all.
It is the power to ask for help to find your self-power and go to counseling to work on yourself to become
your best.
As I learned and started setting up boundaries, it was uncomfortable.
I remember looking at four walls one day and thinking wow, I do not know what to do today. I was trying
to figure out what to do; I did not have to jump to help everyone and do what they expected of me. I knew
I had responsibilities I needed to take care of, but overall, I needed to decide for myself.
Power to me means learning to speak up, learning to make choices, and being authentic. Taking
responsibility for your self-power and using it to help others and be the best version of yourself means
putting your air mask on, taking ownership of your life, and setting boundaries with love.
Now you can help others do more and not lose yourself. Self-power is about learning who you are,
knowing your boundaries, and supporting others. It is an ongoing process as we journey and discover our
own self-power.
Women are often told to be quiet; they are too much and need to sit down. Instead, let’s encourage each
other to be the best us and be successful, speak up, and be a voice for ourselves and others. Becoming our
true authentic selves, the person God made us to be.
I love this saying
“I want to build a community where women of all races can communicate and continue supporting and
caring for each other. I want to give women a space to feel their own strength and tell their stories. That Is
power,” Beyonce.